But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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