dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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