"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
