I look better un-naked...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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