you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
