Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
