I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
