Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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