Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My bed smells like the plague
Your penis caused this!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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