he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
