So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
