I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
