I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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