I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize