Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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