genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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