He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
