So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
