the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
