My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Randomize
