She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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