You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
