VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
