god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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