I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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