I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
