you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
