i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
