im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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