I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drake has all the answers
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
