On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
