I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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