i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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