oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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