I think I died a long time ago.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
