Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
