Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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