I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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