Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You made out with two different species that night
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
