You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
