Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
