I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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