Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
