Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
