im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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