how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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