I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
