omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
