I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
