So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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