Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We need a shit load of segways right now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
