Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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