even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
