I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
