I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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