meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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