Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
