My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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