My hand turned me down
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
