we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
