Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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