areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
