Can i not drive my cunt home
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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