I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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