the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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