Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
