I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
