Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
