Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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