I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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