Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
