I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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