between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
